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- What Can We Do to Help Our Adult, Drug-Addicted Daughter?
We have a 30-year-old daughter addicted to drugs and alcohol. She recently lost custody and is supposed to have supervised visits with her son, who is 7. He lives with his dad who lets him go over there and spend the night even though the courts have said NO. We no longer have a relationship with our daughter, we dont help with anything. She lives in a rent free apartment with her drugie boyfriend, gets food stamps and doesnt keep a job for more than 2 months at a time if she works at all. We are not enabling her, but the system is. Why doesnt she have to be drug tested to receive these programs?? I have to, to keep my job, no wonder she doesnt change. What can we do? she wont go to rehab or get any help ... we are lost. - Frustrated Father
Dear Frustrated Father,
Thank you for your question. I’m sorry to hear about your painful situation. It’s so difficult to see someone we love self-destructing in their addiction. However, it sounds like you have done all you can in not supporting her financially and refusing to enable her in any way. I know you have been through a lot already, but I have two suggestions that might help relieve some of the stress you are currently experiencing. First, I highly recommend that your entire family and circle of friends get some support. Addiction has a traumatic effect on everyone in the family, even those family members who are not living in the same house with the person struggling with the addiction. Just being able to “vent” with other people who can relate to your situation will provide a great deal of relief for you. Look for a counselor who is familiar with addiction and/or consider attending al-anon meetings. You will be able to get some practical suggestions, and you will be able to find emotional support as well, to address that “lost” feeling you refer to. Also with the help of a counselor, you can begin to address any anger, remorse, anxiety or other emotional feelings you are experiencing. This type of support will also help regulate your own physical and mental health, which is at greater risk of dysfunction because of the stress you are under. To find a counselor or therapist, begin by contacting the nearest drug/alcohol treatment center, or hospital that offers such a program; these facilities should have social workers who can offer suggestions. Or perhaps you can search for a therapist on this very website.
Secondly, I want to address the issue regarding your grandson. I’m concerned that even though the courts have said he can’t visit his mother, his father is disregarding that decision and providing visitation. Someone needs to make sure the boy is not being exposed to any risky or shady situations when staying with mom, especially considering that both mom and her boyfriend are actively using. Hopefully mom remains fully cognizant during his visits, and I don’t mean to suggest she isn’t — but addiction is a wild card, and if the youngster is being exposed to any hazardous circ*mstances (i.e., mom and boyfriend are too “high” to watch after him while he’s there), then those visits should stop immediately. If you have reasonable suspicion the boy isn’t safe, and your son in law refuses to take appropriate action, then you might need to contact your local child protective services or the courts and inquire about your options – you can do so anonymously in most cases, if only for advisem*nt.
You might also, if you wish, occasionally let your daughter know that it’s her addiction you dislike, not the good person underneath, as a reminder that you’re willing to reconnect if she seeks help facing her problem. That is if you feel comfortable doing so; and it is perfectly understandable if you do not. It’s just that, stressful as these situations are, coming from a position of love while holding proper boundaries can sometimes break the ice – if, of course, the struggling person truly wants help. I hope your daughter does get help, sooner rather than later. Thanks again for writing.
Kind regards,
Darren
Darren Haber
Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and physical and sexual abuse.
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Betsy Quail
July 2nd, 2012 at 6:22 PMMy prayers and thoughts go out to you and your daughter, having a child with an addiction is a tough situation to be in for the friends and especially the parents. We lost a daughter as she could never conquer her demons. Through church and through our relationship with god we have come to grips with the whole situation.
My suggestion would be to discuss the situation with a support group and to get help for yourself and those remainign in the family . It is impossible for a person to make another person happy.
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Deb
October 1st, 2016 at 11:51 AMMy 23 year old daughter believes that the universe is going to save and provide for her. 4 months ago she quit a very good job. She has been living at home rent free. I found out through a EOB that we received in the mail that she has been seeing a dr every 6 moths for Adderall. I talked to her about it and she told me she was selling it. Long story short my husband was not happy, she is on our insurance and this was completely out of character for her. She got mad when confronted said we need to find our inner peace. Called me every name in the book and then started the same with my husband., WE told her to get out. She needs therapy. I called the “Dr” that she went to and the pharmacy to let them know that she confessed to me that she was selling Adderall on the streets. Now she hates my guts. I can not believe that her behavior has got to this point, I might add that she smokes a lot of pot and has tried mushrooms. I wanted to take her in to drop a UA but she refused saying she wasn’t playing my games. She talks about not wanting to work because it is selling her time. she said that selling the drugs was easy money. I am at a loss and feeling so very sad.
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Kim
October 2nd, 2016 at 7:27 AMDeb,
I know it is very difficult when a daughter is doing criminal activities and we do not understand how or why they would these things. First, it is not your fault she has chosen to do these things. Next, making her leave was the best things by you could have done. At this point they need a wake up call but they are not listening to what we are telling them. It is a long road and I can honestly say I am still wondering what the future will bring for my daughter. I had to remove myself from her. I honestly felt like God closed all doors for my daughter so she could finally realize she needs help. I pray for you and hope your daughter sees the truth on what she needs to do.
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